Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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