I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I supernannyed him into submission
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
