Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
