I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
