yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
