how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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