I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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