i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
