i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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