I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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