I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
