I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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