a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is Oprah even human
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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