i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
