Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
