went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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