Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
