i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Two words: blizzard sex
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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