i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
