I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am mentally ready for anal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
