I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
