Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
