I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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