I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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