my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
