3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
