I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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