So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize