you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
