I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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