Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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