god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
