If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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