I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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