this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
