I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize