Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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