So drunk its hurt
Duck Duck Cougar?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
