saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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