the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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