I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize