dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
