She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
