Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
