The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
