Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
