Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize