When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
