I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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