hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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