I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
