He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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