Pappa wants mamma naked
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
