My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
