I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
