Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
