You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
All I want is dick and wine.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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