Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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