My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
