if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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