someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
